Dagnydarling's Blog

Prognosis: Better Than Deserved

Posted in Letters to Nobody by dagnydarling on May 24, 2010

Everything happens for  a reason.  Time heals all wounds.  Live every day like it’s your last.

Nice ideas.  Worthless, but nice.

Aside from the fact that you can’t believe all three of those things at once anyway because they seem to be conflicting, they are nothing but verbal band-aids for a chronically suffering and dramatic humanity.  A suffering group of wanderers that I am very much a part of, so I am not pointing fingers arbitrarily.

There’s some truth there though, in that last one.  We can never know that tomorrow will be granted to us.  I don’t know for certain that I don’t have a tumor that is sucking the life from me, and I don’t know that there won’t be a deadly earthquake tonight.  But am I throwing myself a going away party, or telling everyone who means anything to me I love them?  No.  Not even close, actually.  And I am okay with that, because if I were to behave as if these next few hours were my final ones, I think I’d scare away the people I really like.

I’d probably be emotionally unstable, cry a lot, and jump out of an airplane.  I’d throw the word “love” around like it was going to expire.  But people can’t live that way.  You can’t go everyday without a filter and boundaries and thinking before you speak.  I have a theory about why this is, and lucky you, you’re going to hear it.

People only use something like 10% of their brain capacity.  I’m willing to guess that the large majority of us only function with a similar amount of our heart.  If we let all the emotions we get pummeled with everyday really soak in, we’d drown in hurt and ecstasy and anxious wonder at everything.  If we let ourselves feel the extent of the sadness at losing someone, or the scream-fromthe-top-of-your-lungs happy when we find someone, our hearts just may explode.  So we build up tiny gates and walls to reinforce those gates and sit comfortably behind them, protected from the perils of trying not to live alone.

Whether this is better or not, I don’t know.  I’ve never claimed to be an expert on anything, and I’m even less so in this area.  Emotions, relationships and such are not my forte… Which oftentimes makes me sad.  My heart, like me in my totality, is an underachiever.  But that heart will get a tomorrow, probably.  And probably, it will happily let moments and people pass that deserved more of it and more of me.  That heart and those people and all those lost moments… they deserved better.