Oh, hey adulthood. Thanks for the bitch-slap.
I’m only 23, which is by no means anywhere near alzheimers or broken hips or divorce… well, I take back that divorce comment. What I mean to say is that I am still young, but I was a little blind-sided by how I have managed to morph into an adult without even recognizing it. Here I was, thinking that if I just continued on my merry way of poor life choices and boozing it up on work nights that I could maintain some level of youthfulness. Guess what? I was wrong. WAYYY Wrong.
Here’s how I know I’m growing up (prepare to be depressed when you realize you are also getting old and will die soon):
- My favorite gift this Christmas? A steamer. Which was awesome on a number of levels: like I’ll save money on dry cleaning since my dry cleaner is a douchebag but really close to my apartment, and I won’t have wrinkly clothes.
- I had the tools required to put the steamer together, before realizing I needed tools for this bad boy. A few years ago, I spent two dollars on a swiss-army knife thing that had a little screw-jobby from IKEA and I thought I had hit the domestic-jackpot. These days, I don’t fuck around. I’ve got legit tools… Like 3 of ’em.
- I could survive in the wilderness with great hair using only the items I have in my purse. My purse has enough hair-spray, gum, little flossing things, toilet paper covers, tiny brushes, mascara, combs and reading material to keep me looking nothing short of gorgeous in the fucking jungle… If I ever did anything that would result in jungle-dwelling… which I don’t. So maybe I’m just showing early symptoms of hoarding… Which would suck.
- Anti-oxidants have definitely climbed their way up the list of priorities (meaning they went from obscurity to somewhere in the mid 50’s). I take vitamins. Everyday. (It’s what responsible folks do). Yes, they are gummy ones, and yeah they might have sugar on them but they are delicious and I am healthy and taking preventative measures to not wither away prematurely.
- This is more like 4 and a half, because it’s basically the same thing, but about tea. I drink tea from my little mug in my office everyday, and I get genuinely excited about new flavors of tea… Then I drink it and think I probably look really grown up with my glasses and my mug and my sweater. Normally I decide sometime in this line of thinking that I will be a great novelist.
- Eye cream. A small fortune has been spent on what I’m pretty sure is normal lotion just in a smaller container that reminds me every night that one day I will need botox.
- Men have gone from people that buy me dinner to other people’s ex-husbands and baby-daddys. Gone are the days of dating charming but degenerate servers, chasing the guy who is chasing his (doomed) dream, and romantic spontanaeity. The baggage is closing in, and it’s practically forcing me to settle.
- Keeping with the above observation… Growing up resulted in a sad realization of what I wanted in a guy, which, unfortunately is as follows: good looks trump bad style. Smart
trumps good looks. Funny trumps smart. Meaning I’m going to marry Chris Farley… awesome.
- Sex takes on a different role… this is one of the better observations probably. It goes from being awkward and scary and one of those things that always makes you vow you’ll lose 10 pounds immediately, to a way to be intimate with someone while finding a really special, mutual vulnerability (if you do it right).
- 10. EMAILS. I love them. Phone calls< Texting< Emails< Letters. But nobody writes letters anymore (except the very emo girl inside of me that I normally keep muzzled) so I settle for emails which are pretty much the modern version. I email everyone; my parents, my friends, my sorority sisters, my boss… an ex here and there… As I get older, I find that I use bigger words and less acronyms in texts, meaning that I require more room for my impressively mature vocabulary… Leading to my love of emails. The perfect combo of technology and literary awesomeness.
There you have it. Symptoms of adult-hood. Granted, I only have use of one nostril right now because I think I got tuberculosis last night and I’m currently high on medicine so I can participate in my super elitist republican-lady program (I got accepted! youngest one! woo!) tomorrow without sneezing on everyone. So this may not really be all that applicable to anyone, or even me once I’m out of my pharmaceutical-induced haze.