Dagnydarling's Blog

It’s not you. It’s your lack of culinary skills.

Posted in Birds & the Bees by dagnydarling on January 30, 2011

“You can’t cook and I’m too lazy to, and I don’t want our kids to eat Chipotle every night…  Therefore I have to break up with you and go prance around all over Southern California with various women who fail to see my numerous short-comings and pray that my wit disguises what a fraud I am.”

Alright, that’s not exactly how it went down, but I SHIT YOU NOT, the first sentence was actually said to me.  It was an ugly conversation about a now-dead relationship and I was stupid enough to ask what had always been “missing” about me in his eyes.  And my culinary skills were at the top of his list.  Whoa.

First off, Chipotle is amazing.  And I probably would stuff my kids full of it if it wouldn’t make them fat.  But I am a good (hypothetical) parent and don’t want to be the mom of the chubby-children, so obviously I will have to change up the menu a bit.  But you know what is healthy?  Macaroni and cheese sandwiches.  And scrambled eggs.  And oatmeal.  All things I am perfectly capable of making, even while drunk, thank you very much.

And even if I didn’t already have three impressive menu-starters, not being able to cook is sort of a moot point for a break up, seeing as it is completely temporary.  It’s like not liking a teenager because he can’t drive.  HE CAN’T DRIVE- YET. I can’t cook. YET.  One day I’ll decide that it’s actually worth my time to come home and spend an hour making food that could have been made in two minutes, but seeing as it’s just me I’d cook for and that would be hugely depressing, I don’t.

More than anything, I’m entertained by the explanation.  First, I didn’t know people still cared about cooking skills.  (Don’t you own a microwave?)  Second, what the fuck kind of a response was that?  He could have picked my emotional instability, my needy response to everything, my cruel-wit, or how retardedly guarded I am- but nope.  What our non-existant children will eat was his big pet peeve.

You can’t even mention future offspring to most men, but I managed to get dumped thanks to them.  Way to make mommy look like a failure, kids.


9 Responses

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  1. alonewithcats said, on January 30, 2011 at 4:40 am

    People are stupid. I’m confident you’re a really good microwaver.

    My six-year relationship ended because I wouldn’t go camping. True story.

  2. BeneathTheSpinLight said, on January 30, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    That’s the most foolish thing I’ve ever heard.
    You know what’s worse? He was sitting there thinking that he couldn’t be with you because you can’t (yet) cook. What a douche nozzle.
    And Chipotle is delicious. I’m going tonight, it’s the highlight of my weekend!

  3. bloggertobenamedlater said, on January 30, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    I hate camping. I can cook. I am not charming and my house is routinely a wreck. I married a man with a butt smaller than mine who climbs mountains regularly (very bad idea, fyi). That said, I’m married, even with all my flaws. You will be too when you find the right guy. And chipotle is awesome.

  4. dagnydarling said, on January 31, 2011 at 2:10 am

    It was a pretty lame thing for him to say (although i really don’t cook, so he was being pretty honest). I stand by my love of Chipotle though. Girl scout cookies for breakfast, chipotle for dinner… it’s probably a (very) good thing Im not responsible for the well-being of someone else’s diet.

  5. Jaclyn Rae said, on February 3, 2011 at 5:04 am

    Who says that, honestly? He’s an idiot and you’re way better off, darling.

  6. Men of Mind said, on February 5, 2011 at 12:04 am

    Sounds to me like a sarcastic way of saying you aren’t ready for marriage. Women today just aren’t domesticated like are mothers and grandmothers were. A focus on careers and status updates has taken precedent over life skills and culinary techniques.

    • Men of Mind said, on February 5, 2011 at 12:04 am


      • dagnydarling said, on February 5, 2011 at 1:54 am

        While I agree that there’s been a shift in focus for women that has happened steadily over the past generations, I don’t think I would include “life skills” in there. Not to be all feminist-y on you (trust me, I hate opening my own doors), but I think we’re just as good at those as ever. But, fine, I concede your point that MAYBE culinary techniques fell by the way-side.

        And no, I am clearly not ready for marriage. Not even a little bit.

  7. sharonchrisafi said, on February 13, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Your ability to make something awful absolutely hilarious is better than any culinary prowess, thank you very much!

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