It’s not you. It’s your lack of culinary skills.
“You can’t cook and I’m too lazy to, and I don’t want our kids to eat Chipotle every night… Therefore I have to break up with you and go prance around all over Southern California with various women who fail to see my numerous short-comings and pray that my wit disguises what a fraud I am.”
Alright, that’s not exactly how it went down, but I SHIT YOU NOT, the first sentence was actually said to me. It was an ugly conversation about a now-dead relationship and I was stupid enough to ask what had always been “missing” about me in his eyes. And my culinary skills were at the top of his list. Whoa.
First off, Chipotle is amazing. And I probably would stuff my kids full of it if it wouldn’t make them fat. But I am a good (hypothetical) parent and don’t want to be the mom of the chubby-children, so obviously I will have to change up the menu a bit. But you know what is healthy?
Macaroni and cheese sandwiches. And scrambled eggs. And oatmeal. All things I am perfectly capable of making, even while drunk, thank you very much.
And even if I didn’t already have three impressive menu-starters, not being able to cook is sort of a moot point for a break up, seeing as it is completely temporary. It’s like not liking a teenager because he can’t drive. HE CAN’T DRIVE- YET. I can’t cook. YET. One day I’ll decide that it’s actually worth my time to come home and spend an hour making food that could have been made in two minutes, but seeing as it’s just me I’d cook for and that would be hugely depressing, I don’t.
More than anything, I’m entertained by the explanation. First, I didn’t know people still cared about cooking skills. (Don’t you own a microwave?) Second, what the fuck kind of a response was that? He could have picked my emotional instability, my needy response to everything, my cruel-wit, or how retardedly guarded I am- but nope. What our non-existant children will eat was his big pet peeve.
You can’t even mention future offspring to most men, but I managed to get dumped thanks to them. Way to make mommy look like a failure, kids.