Dagnydarling's Blog

Things That Are Better… Taken

Posted in Birds & the Bees by dagnydarling on February 24, 2011

I had to write this.  It was unfair not to… Although I highly doubt there will be as many “Yayuh!”‘s to this post as there were to my “Things That Are Better Single” one.  Bloggers tend to not be in relationships- or they do- and don’t read my blog because they feel bad for me I make them jealous.

However, you can never tell me I didn’t explain BOTH sides of the story.  Because I am about to write a list of the best things about… abooouuuttt…. (sorry, almost threw up in my mouth a little bit)… about… beinginarelationship. There.  I said it.

1. Your period.  Congratulations! You’re not pregnant! It’s a relief, and a very heavy, baby-sized weight has been lifted from your shoulders (ovaries?).  Now, on with your life for another 24 days until you start methodically counting the dates on your phone’s calendar again trying to compute if your late.  Mazel Tov!

2. Valentine’s Day.  Birthdays.  Holidays that involve cards.  Now, my mom is good about this, and I am a regular receiver of cards.  But there’s something pretty fantastic about a card filled with sloppy boy writing, brimming with marginally thoughtful things that he probably spent 3 hours avoiding thinking up.  Awwwwww.  “He thinks I’m really Cool!”

3. Getting Waxed.  Unlike me, if you are in a relationship, you spend $50 a month for lovely miss Sameera while chatting about God knows what with the intention of showing off your barbie-look-alike vajayjay.  If you are more in my boat, you visit Sameera monthly out of the sheer fact that you have developed a very painful, very unfeministic habit.  And she’s nice. (Did I just admit to being friends with my waxer?!)

4. Gaining Weight.  Haha! He’s stuck with you anyway.  SUCKER!

5. Birth Control.  You know what they call birth control for celibate/single folk?  Vitamins, because they’re basically the same thing now.  A daily nuisance you take because you hear they help with your skin.

6. Regular sex.  Well, that is, if you’re still having it or still enjoying it at this point.

7.  Movies.  That shit is expensive nowadays, and at least if you’ve got a significant other they’ll pay for you to go see You’re A Pedophile For Loving Justin Beiber So Much  and stuff your face with Raisinettes.  I generally don’t see movies unless I have a boyfriend… Meaning I saw every movie that ever came out in 2007 and 2008… and NOT ONE in 2009.  Which sucks because word on the street is that Paranormal Activity was exactly as abominable as I thought it would be.

8.  Having A Phone.  Because when you have a boyfriend it actually rings and shit.

9.  When People Ask Who You’re Dating ‘These Days.’  By ‘people’ I mean members of your extended family, and by ‘who you’re dating’ I mean who will take you off their hands so they don’t need to take care of you into your 40’s.  Because that’s all my family members are looking for in my boyfriends… PLEASE DON’T MAKE US PAY FOR HER FOREVER.  (My drinking is expensive).

10. Having Trust/Daddy Issues.  Finally, someone to punish for your father’s mistakes!  And for a second there I was worried I’d have to get over them in a healthy manner instead of projecting them onto some poor, unassuming man.  Whew!

Okay, so this quickly turned into Reasons Not To Date ME, but whatever… I was totally kidding.  I mean my phone rings all the time… Swear.

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2 Responses

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  1. k-dawg said, on February 24, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Agreed… Gooooood Lord how I miss a reliable source of steady sex! Aghhh.

  2. BeneathTheSpinLight said, on March 2, 2011 at 1:35 am

    I think I actually enjoy this list more than the things you appreciate when you’re single. But maybe I’m biased because you renamed the Justin Bieber movie “You’re A Pedophile For Loving Justin Beiber So Much” and I choked on my dinner when I read that. Let me reemphasize: you and I are twins.


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