So I Creep, yeahhh… So Do You, Don’t Lie.
I’m going to do everyone a favor. I’m going to give you advice that you will either disregard and regret, or you can digest and be 12x (yes, exactly twelve times) happier for knowing.
DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT SNOOP THROUGH YOUR MAN’S SHIT.
Trust me, I’ve done it. And it takes willpower that even the most celibate of nuns must admire to NOT do it…. But no good comes from invading someone’s privacy, especially if you like this someone. You know why?
LOOK HARD ENOUGH, OR LONG ENOUGH, AND YOU WILL FIND SOMETHING.
Oh, I’m not saying that you will find something that legitimately means he is cheating or has done anything wrong… but you will find something that your over-imaginative, over-emotional, female brain will immediately register as infidelity, at which point you will go (quite predictably, might I add) bat- shit crazy.
In my days as a snoop, I have found the following:
- A receipt from a date with a girl he met online with a disgusting little note from her (HER NAME WAS OLGA FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY) on the back. “She writes like a slut”, I remember thinking to myself. He was an idiot and left the receipt next to the chapstick I always borrowed.
- Paperwork from an STD test that had positive results for chlamydia, after I had point-blank asked if he had any STD’s. (Thankfully I never slept with him. I named him Sparky. He also lied about having a 6 year old daughter. Sometimes I think I should be sterilized before I continue to date fucktards like that).
- Through some very clever snooping, I found out about Mr. Pretty’s attachment to a woman he met on Match.com…. The issue here is that Mr. Pretty’s behavior leads me to believe that he had met (and dated) many an internet-based woman behind my back. Skeezeball.
- Emails to/from an ex-girlfriend ABOUT ME. If you are trying to woo your ex, don’t have conversations revolving around his new girlfriend who has noticeably less back fat than you.
The list goes on, but I realize my successes as an amateur spy are NOT the best way to convince you to respect your significant other’s privacy.
I suppose the reason I find any of this relevant is that things are going really well with the President, and I really like him. The temptation to rifle through his drawers or peek through his medicine cabinet is ever-present but I have yet to act on it. I know the power of my imagination and how deep-seated my belief is that all most men are complete dogs. No excuse, true or not, can overcome my personal issues so it’s best not to engage them so early in a relationship that has shown potential.
In conclusion then, the President would be wise to NOT leave me in his apartment by myself (come on, what did you THINK I’d do?!), or leave his cell phone out while he showers, or hide things in his nightstand (yes, we know that’s where you stash shit last minute, guys). And I, in turn, will continue to be charming and funny and generous and kind and rub your back and give you massages… and keep my skeletons equally-well hidden from daylight.
*I always thought I’d get better at relationships with age. Not yet, evidently*
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