Dagnydarling's Blog

Birth Control and Leg Cramps

Posted in Misc. by dagnydarling on November 11, 2011

At no point in my life planning did I foresee pretty much anything that has actually happened.  I am not, it would seem, psychic even a little bit.

But hey, it’s Thursday night and we are moving right into a 3 day weekend (thanks Veterans!) and I’m at home, in my bed, eating vitamins because I’m too lazy to go downstairs for real food.  I don’t even think I have food though, so lost cause.  And- I have a leg cramp and I think the vitamins should fix that?

I’ve been a little “off” lately.  Obviously, I’ve been a negligent blogger (to say the least), I’ve been moody (aka grumpy), I’ve been kind of lethargic and I spend a lot of time reading (did you ever read Lolita? I’ts awful, don’t).  Most of those things I can actually contribute to being on new birth control and even if it’s not actually the birth control’s fault, I’m going to use it as an excuse.

Yep. On birth control.  My ovaries are no-swim zones which is nice and sort of silly because I’m not having regular sex.  But the doctor offered and I thought, “Every time I wish I was on it I never am.  This would be smart.  This must be what growing up is like.”  So I took it, and I’ve been completely wretched to be around ever since.  I suppose that’s the magic in birth control, at the rate my moods have been going nobody will want to be near me, let alone get me naked.  (Although, my breasts are MASSIVE, so there’s that.)

I wish I had some great story to post, and it’s not for lack of stories or dumb things I’ve done recently that I’m not posting them, it’s more that I’m too lazy and this leg cramp WILL NOT GO AWAY.  And some (all?) of them are really embarrassing and are partially the reason why I haven’t been drinking lately.

And you know what?  Everyone was right- I am way less fun sober.

It Sounds Like I Date A Lot, Which I Sort of Do, But I Just Have Little Else to Write About…

Posted in Birds & the Bees, Misc. by dagnydarling on May 17, 2011

I blame my lack of control over my life and my inability to “plan ahead” on my hair.  Mostly because I don’t like to wash it, and once I do wash it I am paralyzed by the oh-so-heavy decision, do I curl it or leave it straight?  And, God forbid I manage to decide and opt for a curl, I find myself glaring at my variety of curling irons… What kind of curl do I want?  (Side note: I think they all end up looking the same, but to justify the amount of money spent on my vibrator-look-alike hair tools, I tend to worry anyway).

The reason this matters is because I am meeting up with this guy tonight for what I guess is (don’t judge me!) a… blind date?  And the picture he saw of me has straight hair, so even though I prefer my hair curled, should I just stick with his expectations so I don’t throw him through a loop?  Furthermore (who says furthermore in a blog? That just seemed weird), it’s raining and since it never rains in California, I own precisely zero jackets and one pair of sneakers that are suede anyway so they can’t be relied upon to shelter my feet from puddles.  So I’m in heels.  4.5 inch heels.  In the rain.  Oh God, I’m gonna fall down.  I shouldn’t even go.  What if I sprain an ankle?  The fear/anxiety I have right now is soooo not worth meeting the cute guy my friend has been raving about for months.

Unless… it is.  Which is why I washed/blew dry/straightened my hair today.  Because, women- I know you feel me on this: you never freaking know.

The romantic at heart in me, lives by the “you never know” mantra.  And it is her fault that I even let my friend set me up.  It was her that drug my ass out of bed this morning and it was her that convinced me yes, shaving my legs would probably be a good idea.  Worst case scenario: homeboy tonight is the man of my dreams (doubtful), but since I couldn’t be bothered to brush my hair he was uninterested in the girl who looked like a homeless version of Amy Winehouse.  So I brushed my hair.  Shaved my legs.  And, as mentioned before, it is the rain’s fault that I am wearing heels.

As a final note, I should have written about this yesterday.  Because I don’t really know blind-date etiquette… Do we hug? I generally give a hug/kiss combo when greeting, but that’s way too much, right? Can’t I just give him my resume and pretend like we’ve always known eachother? Is drinking allowed or does that send the she-is-a-lush red flag up?  Clearly, I’m in need of some guidance here.

Then again, as soon as I get really caught up in the “ohmigod, what if…?” thoughts, the normal girl inside me bitch-slaps the romantic girl and says, “fuck that, it’s free food.”  And I breathe easy again.

The MVP of Wing-Women

Posted in Misc. by dagnydarling on February 8, 2011

“Wanna go to Vegas?”

“Not really….”

Thanks, Vegas. I needed bruised ribs.

“K, so we’re leaving at 7, I’ll pick you up.”

“Wait… when did we agree on anything, and why the hell at 7?”

…And that’s how D convinced me to go to Vegas on less than 36 hours notice, for 24 hours of awesomeness (which is not a word, and I don’t care).

Essentially, D let her vagina get the best of her and we wound up in Vegas meeting up with some guy she sort of liked a year ago who lives in San Fransisco at 4 o’clock in the morning after I told strange old men stories about my kid and divorce.  (I lie my ass off when I get really drunk).  And then we came back to Orange County in time for Superbowl and went to hang out with this guy who likes D who we met that time I was trying to make in-roads with the biker gang

Odd enough though, I’m pretty sure I had a better time than D did all weekend.  Yeah, guys love her and she could probably have enough sex to satisfy Charlie Sheen for all of this year and I am somewhat more solitary these days (by choice?), but it was awesome.  She dates, talks to, or makes out with guys I end up loving.  Everytime there’s a new love interest for her, I come up on at least 2 new friends that I adore and that I’m certain appreciate my quirky greatness.

The purpose of this isn’t to brag about how attractive I am as a wing-woman (or is it?), it’s about an interesting realization D and I had while I jubilantly announced how smitten I was by our Superbowl companions.  Why was it, it occured to me, that I always LOVED the guys she dated, and she HATED the guys I fell for?  Actually, nobody likes the guys I date…. which means my taste is really as bad as I have always feared, or… well, I can’t think of a viable second option.

Mostly because I want my friends to agree to show up at my wedding, I’m gonna try to date people they don’t openly loathe with venomous passion… speaking of which I need to talk about the guy I’ve been on a few dates with… next time.

PS. If you have come to this blog in search of Natalie Portman porn… I apologize.  These days everyone in my life is staying clothed, blog and otherwise.

I’m Buying a Motorcycle. And Joining A Club.

Posted in Misc. by dagnydarling on January 7, 2011

It was less than 24 hours ago that I was sitting in a bar with D, telling her that I officially had nothing to blog about because I had a very close to non-existent love life.  Okay, it is non-existent unless you count that guy I make out with sometimes who’s adorable but an absolute idiot.  Think Jason Stackhouse (if you watch True Blood), and if you don’t (you suck) think Ken Doll.  Anyway… I was fully prepared to take a break from blogging, I didn’t think my mom would miss reading my blathering that much anyway.

And then God felt bad for me (because I’m going to be a cat lady) and stuffed the hours following that conversation full of blogworthy awesomeness that I no doubt will wreck while trying to explain. 

I hung out with members of a known biker gang last night.  What did YOU do? 

I don’t do drugs, or ride motorcycles, or have a history of self-destructive behavior (ish)… but I love A&E and all those shows about people who do any combination of those things.  Last night, I got to recreate one of those shows with my new friends Creeper, Tombstone, Jeff and the other ones whose names I don’t remember.  (Jeff got kind of screwed as far as the naming went).  Tombstone looked like Santa- if Santa had a serious meth problem and an affinity for leather and Creeper was missing a prominent tooth…But it’s cool cuz he had shit tons of tattoos. ON HIS FACE.  One of which being a tear drop that I may or may not have stared at the entire time I talked to him.

Because I was thinking what an awesome blog this would be (and because when I drink I don’t think about how ridiculous I am), I took a picture of Tombstone and Little Black on my phone.  Then they made me delete it, and show them all the pictures on my phone to make sure I didn’t have any evidence of some of the scariest mother fuckers I’ve ever seen, let alone drank with.  And since I have a sincere love of awkward, and a sincere love of people who are bat-shit crazy- last night those two loves met, and gave birth to some awesome conversations.  Conversations actually may not be the best word, as a lot of it consisted of me badgering these old dudes about what the patches meant, why he had a tear drop, if he sold drugs, if he’d, “like, ever killed someone”, if they believed in God, what their *real* jobs were, and if they were ever on A&E.  Most of the answers consisted of some shocking shit, but some of them were just a scary smile and a “You don’t wanna know, little girl.” 

And then D pimped it up and gave her number out like it was on sale and I watched and drank and watched some more.  Lesson of this whole thing: biker clubs (the term “biker gang” I’ve learned is actually not very politically correct nowadays) are not blackberry friendly, but aside from that, they’re really quite pleasant.

**Oh yeah, and one of my roommates may have given her number to the youngest one and now I think we’re gonna get stalked because it turns out he’s married and some other stuff so if I stop blogging, I either died or I actually did just run out of shit to say.  Good luck figuring that out.**