Dagnydarling's Blog

Breaking Up (With ME) is Hard To Do… Or So I’ve Heard.

Posted in Birds & the Bees, Letters to Nobody by dagnydarling on March 26, 2011

My Friday night agenda:

  • Laundry.  Lots of it.  Somewhere, a Water Board member (the people I unfortunately hang out with thanks to work) is crying at the amount of H20 being used to wash my panties.
  • Red wine.  More than the water being used in aforementioned laundry.
  • Grey’s Anatomy reruns— I love you, DVR.  Don’t ever leave me.
  • Blogging, evidently.  I can’t help it!  Working, working, and then inevitably I wind up on stupid wordpress.  *shakes head*

So aside from the fact that I lead a boring life (did I mention how thrilled I am at the prospect of a Friday night IN?) I have a serious question to pose to the world:

WHY CAN’T THINGS JUST END?

What happened to clean break ups?  Did they ever exist, or did I just fantisize about them when I was in my early years of college crying over slightly-overweight frat boys?

Let’s review: Prez and I decided that we were too similar- stubborn, politically driven, outspoken and judgmental opinioned.  I was, if possible, out-Republican’d by this guy, who is arguably the smartest person I have ever met.  We regularly debated which city councilman was corrupt, which was legit, and why they were all so god damned creepy.  Awesome, except for the fact that we disagreed about EVERYTHING in that small topic of conversation. (There are approximately 4 Republicans remaining after good ol’ George Dubya, and the President and I took different sides on all of them). 

I saw the inevitable- and I was relieved when the conversation/argument was over.  We were too similar, we were too smart, we both had the tendency to use our intelligence to be cruel to the people we cared the most about.  (It;s a curse.  I shit you not).  And so we said a very diginified “see you around” and parted ways.

And then he texted me.  Everyday afterward.  Numerous times.  About nothing in particular.  I guess we’re… friends?

Except we’re not.  Because once you have that kind of passionate/crazy/choatic thing with someone you don’t regress into a “how was your day” friendship.  I didn’t make up those rules- the laws of physics did.  Or something.  So naturally, I am perplexed. 

I’d love to attribute my exes’ tendency for attrition to my shockingly good looks, or wit, or talent (at?!) but I’m pretty sure that’s not the case.  Deciding that we were better off apart was an obvious, but still hurtful choice.  It was reminiscent, on a very small scale, of previous break ups that ripped my heart in two.  So what is it about me/women/life/whatever that makes men go, “I should text her”?!

I have always had a theory that “everyone comes back.”  Coming back meaning they’ll call, they’ll try to get you in bed again, they’ll tell you they didn’t know what they were thinking, or that they still love you.  But this doesn’t fit because we broke up TWO DAYS AGO.  To this day, I have yet to be proven wrong on this theory— everyone does circle back at least once (I dare you to disagree with me). 

But because we cross paths regularly thanks to work, and I really do think very highly of the guy, I don’t want to tell him to go away.  Does he think we are friends?  We didn’t cover that.  Does he think that’s even possible (if so- he gets downgraded from Smartest Guy Ever).  Naked equals not friends. That’s also a law of physics.  Or something. 

And while I mull this over- I just got a call from a friend (also a blogger: www.woopsimthatgirl.wordpress.com) who is driving her fabulous self a whole TWO HOURS because a post she was writing drove her to drink.  So at the very least, I may not understand men- but I’ve got some great friends.

What did we learn?

  • It’s hard to do 4 loads of laundry in one night without impediments.
  • Men are confusing (HEY, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!)
  • Blogging will make you an alcoholic.

This was an awful post.  I’m taking a mini vacay with my girlfriends tomorrow though, so that should warrant something worth reading.  You deserve a sticker or some shit if you got this far.  Thanks.

I Propose Returning to the “Do You Like Me”/”Check Box” System.

Posted in Birds & the Bees by dagnydarling on March 1, 2011

If I were to list my hobbies they would be: drinking wine, reading lots of books at one time, good music, blogging, politics, and organizing my closet in times of stress.  But you know what I really love doing?  crushing.  I forgot how much I missed those school-girl-meets-hot-older-guy and then shamelessly draws hearts around his name times.  The harmless “what-ifs” that kind of go drifting through your head when you’re trying to write a press release at work.  That’s a good time, friends.

Did the lack of anger in that first paragraph throw you way off?  Me too.  Just re-read it.  Both shocked and proud of myself. 

He’s a lawyer.  I know.  Awesome.  And he’s kind and funny and so smart that I proof-read my text messages like 4 times before sending… which is actually pretty pathetic.  And bla bla bla we should get married and then he can run for President and I will be First Lady except I won’t be annoying because I don’t care if your kid is fat, so long as they don’t eat my kid.  (On a related note, that would be even MORE fitting becuase if I’m FLOTUS then I don’t ever have to learn to cook because they have got to have like a shit ton of cooks at the White House, right?)

Someone needs to look into that for me, thank you.

Like I said though, harmless.  I have yet to doodle my name + his name = LUV4EVA on my post-its though so at least I’m behaving myself and keeping all most my crazy behind closed doors.  The only (major) downside would be the fact that he has admitted at least three times that he doesn’t date girls in politics.  Sadly, I am both a girl and a girl in politics.  So maybe he missed one of those two facts?  What he obviously misses about me is that I am practically designed for candidate-wifehood.  He wants to run for office.  I like politics and the high-schoolesque games that accompany them.  I am also small and like to dress up and can chat up old people whenever the time calls.  Sometimes I can even keep myself from cursing for a whole 5 minutes straight!  Psht.  Future POTUS doesn’t know what he’s missing.  (ooooh… Good name for him.  President).

Clearly, I am in uncharted waters.  Normally I can just bully boys into dating me until I realize how much I dislike them, or let them abandon me.  This time though… I am afraid I have met someone to0 clever to be bullied.  Which is both intriguing and unnerving.

But if we have learned nothing about me, it is that I tend to take this things to the absolute limit.  So if he ends up liking me back (awwwww) then I will one day be FLOTUS, and none of you can EVER mention this blog.  If he doesn’t, we will commence angry-girl blogging promptly and wage wars on all lawyers and law school students and anything even sort of affiliated with the law.

Good plan.

The MVP of Wing-Women

Posted in Misc. by dagnydarling on February 8, 2011

“Wanna go to Vegas?”

“Not really….”

Thanks, Vegas. I needed bruised ribs.

“K, so we’re leaving at 7, I’ll pick you up.”

“Wait… when did we agree on anything, and why the hell at 7?”

…And that’s how D convinced me to go to Vegas on less than 36 hours notice, for 24 hours of awesomeness (which is not a word, and I don’t care).

Essentially, D let her vagina get the best of her and we wound up in Vegas meeting up with some guy she sort of liked a year ago who lives in San Fransisco at 4 o’clock in the morning after I told strange old men stories about my kid and divorce.  (I lie my ass off when I get really drunk).  And then we came back to Orange County in time for Superbowl and went to hang out with this guy who likes D who we met that time I was trying to make in-roads with the biker gang

Odd enough though, I’m pretty sure I had a better time than D did all weekend.  Yeah, guys love her and she could probably have enough sex to satisfy Charlie Sheen for all of this year and I am somewhat more solitary these days (by choice?), but it was awesome.  She dates, talks to, or makes out with guys I end up loving.  Everytime there’s a new love interest for her, I come up on at least 2 new friends that I adore and that I’m certain appreciate my quirky greatness.

The purpose of this isn’t to brag about how attractive I am as a wing-woman (or is it?), it’s about an interesting realization D and I had while I jubilantly announced how smitten I was by our Superbowl companions.  Why was it, it occured to me, that I always LOVED the guys she dated, and she HATED the guys I fell for?  Actually, nobody likes the guys I date…. which means my taste is really as bad as I have always feared, or… well, I can’t think of a viable second option.

Mostly because I want my friends to agree to show up at my wedding, I’m gonna try to date people they don’t openly loathe with venomous passion… speaking of which I need to talk about the guy I’ve been on a few dates with… next time.

PS. If you have come to this blog in search of Natalie Portman porn… I apologize.  These days everyone in my life is staying clothed, blog and otherwise.

The King’s Speech and My Lame Resolution… Not as Important As Epic Wartime Speeches.

Posted in Letters to Nobody by dagnydarling on January 5, 2011

*This was an awful post, written a few days ago and then forgotten about… But I need to put something on this blog that doesn’t reek of 2010 crappiness, so whatever.  I promise to make up for this blogtastrophe with better posts for the entire year.  I hope*

2011 has been a raging success so far.  In the 48 hours since it began, I believe I spent 30 of them drunk.  The other 18 were spent sleeping.  I think.  It’s hard to do math very well when your head feels like mine does right now.

People love to talk about resolutions… and I dread that I’ll have that conversation about 80 times in the next week with people too lazy to come up with something legitimate to talk about.  It doesn’t bode well for those conversations that I actually don’t have a resolution.  I resolve to do nothing except try not to die, which I’ve done every other year (some years with more enthusiasm than others) so I don’t mention it to people.  My roommate has taken me on as a cause and keeps hurling resolutions at me that I didn’t ask for, I’m nervous I’ve become the girl who needs to be saved from herself.  More on that later because that’s deeper than my current brain capacity can handle.  But probably not- I’ll more than likely forget.

Obviously I’d like plenty of things to happen in 2011 and I hope a shit-ton of things DON’T happen in 2011.  I would enjoy being named Princess of the United States (finally), and I would like to lose 8 pounds while eating cheesecake and drinking beer.  I hope I don’t get AIDS or get fat or evicted.  In essence I’m much too lazy to resolve to do anything, or resolve to STOP doing anything else.  Like I said- Big Things in 2011!

I did, however manage to already accomplish something.  I went to the movies…. which, I agree, sounds worthless and like an everyday thing that anyone can do.  But!  I went to the movies alone.  Let that sink in for a second.  On Sunday, I mustered the guts, energy and actual desire to walk my stocky little butt up to the theater all by my lonesome and sit through almost two hours of awesomeness BY MY SELF.  Which makes me officially ready to be a cat-lady.  Or officially independent… depending on how highly I’d like to think of myself, I switch between the two.

It was actually quite enjoyable.  I brought extra socks so I could keep my feet warm (which I normally just suffer through so I don’t look like a fucktard wearing two pairs of socks and flip flops), and nobody bothered me with inane commentary while I sat along the back (I’m not so ready to flaunt my loser-y aloneness just yet).  But on a serious note: it was a step toward shirking the general idea that people are always judging me, and furthermore, shirking whatever judgements they formed about the short girl wandering around without a companion and questionable foot-wear.  Because it’s true what people say: you’re really not as important as you think, and you’d be surprised to know how little people think of you.

Okay, so maybe I just blogged my way into a resolution: stop overestimating myself and keep my toes warm, and let everyone else be damned.  Easily the most ridiculous resolutions I’ve ever heard, let alone written for myself.

PS: go see the King’s Speech.  Promise.