At no point in my life planning did I foresee pretty much anything that has actually happened. I am not, it would seem, psychic even a little bit.
But hey, it’s Thursday night and we are moving right into a 3 day weekend (thanks Veterans!) and I’m at home, in my bed, eating vitamins because I’m too lazy to go downstairs for real food. I don’t even think I have food though, so lost cause. And- I have a leg cramp and I think the vitamins should fix that?
I’ve been a little “off” lately. Obviously, I’ve been a negligent blogger (to say the least), I’ve been moody (aka grumpy), I’ve been kind of lethargic and I spend a lot of time reading (did you ever read Lolita? I’ts awful, don’t). Most of those things I can actually contribute to being on new birth control and even if it’s not actually the birth control’s fault, I’m going to use it as an excuse.
Yep. On birth control. My ovaries are no-swim zones which is nice and sort of silly because I’m not having regular sex. But the doctor offered and I thought, “Every time I wish I was on it I never am. This would be smart. This must be what growing up is like.” So I took it, and I’ve been completely wretched to be around ever since. I suppose that’s the magic in birth control, at the rate my moods have been going nobody will want to be near me, let alone get me naked. (Although, my breasts are MASSIVE, so there’s that.)
I wish I had some great story to post, and it’s not for lack of stories or dumb things I’ve done recently that I’m not posting them, it’s more that I’m too lazy and this leg cramp WILL NOT GO AWAY. And some (all?) of them are really embarrassing and are partially the reason why I haven’t been drinking lately.
And you know what? Everyone was right- I am way less fun sober.
I had to write this. It was unfair not to… Although I highly doubt there will be as many “Yayuh!”‘s to this post as there were to my “Things That Are Better Single” one. Bloggers tend to not be in relationships- or they do- and don’t read my blog because
they feel bad for me I make them jealous.
However, you can never tell me I didn’t explain BOTH sides of the story. Because I am about to write a list of the best things about… abooouuuttt…. (sorry, almost threw up in my mouth a little bit)… about… beinginarelationship. There. I said it.
1. Your period. Congratulations! You’re not pregnant! It’s a relief, and a very heavy, baby-sized weight has been lifted from your shoulders (ovaries?). Now, on with your life for another 24 days until you start methodically counting the dates on your phone’s calendar again trying to compute if your late. Mazel Tov!
2. Valentine’s Day. Birthdays. Holidays that involve cards. Now, my mom is good about this, and I am a regular receiver of cards. But there’s something pretty fantastic about a card filled with sloppy boy writing, brimming with marginally thoughtful things that he probably spent 3 hours
avoiding thinking up. Awwwwww. “He thinks I’m really Cool!”
3. Getting Waxed. Unlike me, if you are in a relationship, you spend $50 a month for lovely miss Sameera while chatting about God knows what with the intention of showing off your barbie-look-alike vajayjay. If you are more in my boat, you visit Sameera monthly out of the sheer fact that you have developed a very painful, very unfeministic habit. And she’s nice. (Did I just admit to being friends with my waxer?!)
4. Gaining Weight. Haha! He’s stuck with you anyway. SUCKER!
5. Birth Control. You know what they call birth control for celibate/single folk? Vitamins, because they’re basically the same thing now. A daily nuisance you take because you hear they help with your skin.
6. Regular sex. Well, that is, if you’re still having it or still enjoying it at this point.
7. Movies. That shit is expensive nowadays, and at least if you’ve got a significant other they’ll pay for you to go see You’re A Pedophile For Loving Justin Beiber So Much and stuff your face with Raisinettes. I generally don’t see movies unless I have a boyfriend… Meaning I saw every movie that ever came out in 2007 and 2008… and NOT ONE in 2009. Which sucks because word on the street is that Paranormal Activity was exactly as abominable as I thought it would be.
8. Having A Phone. Because when you have a boyfriend it actually rings and shit.
9. When People Ask Who You’re Dating ‘These Days.’ By ‘people’ I mean members of your extended family, and by ‘who you’re dating’ I mean who will take you off their hands so they don’t need to take care of you into your 40’s. Because that’s all my family members are looking for in my boyfriends… PLEASE DON’T MAKE US PAY FOR HER FOREVER. (My drinking is expensive).
10. Having Trust/Daddy Issues. Finally, someone to punish for your father’s mistakes! And for a second there I was worried I’d have to get over them in a healthy manner instead of projecting them onto some poor, unassuming man. Whew!
Okay, so this quickly turned into Reasons Not To Date ME, but whatever… I was totally kidding. I mean my phone rings all the time… Swear.