Dagnydarling's Blog

My name is Dagnydarling, and I’m an alcoholic.

Posted in Letters to Nobody by dagnydarling on December 20, 2011

Sometimes you wake up on a Monday and try to kick the damned dog that keeps trying to sleep in your bed that you hate and smells like garbage.  And then you realize that it’s not a dog, it’s a human.  And… why is there sand everywhere?  Is that a broken glass? Oh my god, and then you discover that it’s your ex-boyfriend’s ex-roommate in bed next to you and he’s only in his super tight, kind of shiny boxer briefs….  And you can’t do anything so you just lay back down and pray that if you go back to sleep you’ll wake up and he won’t be there anymore.  And if you’re really lucky, that wound on your arm will heal and your hangover will disappear.

But, it doesn’t.  And it’s Monday.  Which means that you have to figure out how to be a grown up, get your shit together and brush your hair and get to work.

That was my morning.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been that girl, piecing together my life from the far corner of my bed praying that I made it home with my credit card, ID and phone.  And… ugh.  He’s still there… Was he always so cute though?  Wait, when did he get all those tattoos?  Am I… no… Wait, am I attracted to this guy?  What the hell happened?

Evidently, we spent the evening in very deep, very emotional conversations planning our long distance relationship, since he’s in the army and lives across the country.  I don’t even have opinions aside from being baffled and still being annoyed that there is sand everywhere.  And, I’m not sure… but I have a crush on him?

36 hours of drinking.  Straight booze.  And really pathetically adorable drunk people confessing their love.  The holidays, it would seem, are bad for my liver.

 

Stay tuned.

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…and she wrote.

Posted in Letters to Nobody by dagnydarling on September 8, 2011

You swore.  You pinkie promised the little girl that managed to survive inside of you that you’d never go there again within yourself.  The land you visited, the land you that you discovered that one sunny day in the mid-afternoon unexpectedly would be barricaded became open again.  It beckoned…  It told you it was okay to return and rest upon the grass and the open, wild fields it offered.

You knew it was lying.  And yet you went. 

And with those first hesitant steps you knew you were walking into the unknown.  A territory that lacked rules, expectations.  More importantly, you knew it lacked justice.

But for a girl… woman?… who loved justice, you still stepped quietly looking to explore.  You’d heard about this place.  A foreign world of selflessness where the governing rule was emotion and instinct.  It sounded wildly bueautiful and exotic.  What a thing, you had thought to yourself, to abandon the thoughts you so clutched to.

Returning, you realized, was not so scary.  It was not as frightening, because you were armed with the knowledge of what to avoid.  You knew what would damage you, and you recognized the dangers within this land but you never turned away even as your heart sped and your rational abilities evaporated into the sweet air.  You had returned.  And you were bold now.  You weren’t scared.

But.

You were alone.  And you found that the air you had once so enjoyed as a breeze delivering the aroma of flowers and pine and grass was now reduced to a simple chill that reminded you of the lack of arms around you.  The air was the echo of your solidarity of which you were both proud and ashamed.  You had struggled to retain your independence.  You worked, hard and silently, simply to be alone.  And this made you sad.  It made you, among other things that you could not name… confused.

The same eloquence that had been granted you here before had  been revoked.  Instead of plenty of words and a rushing of emotion you were solemnly observant.  You had learned, since the last walk you had taken along these grounds, to be stoic.  Your recongnition of the flaws posessed within this land was painful and it embarrassed you of the person you were in your last visit.  You were ashamed of her former charming naivety, and you were ashamed of you current cynicism.

But you refuse to leave.  Instead of looking for an exit or a path outward you sat.  You picked at the leaves of grass and felt the wind’s reminders of your soul’s silence.  Nothing rushed inside of you that day- and the river of your emotions remained constant regardless of the trinkets of the past that you crossed on your return’s travels.  The bench where you both sat.  The picture you took.  The letters you wrote.  The words that flowed that meant not much then that carried the weight of the universe in their memories.  Nothing can move you now.  It seems the air is mimicking your fortitude…. it blows, but falsely.  Nothing moves because of it.

Perhaps you imagined it.  It would not be the first time you felt something that was in fact, not there. 

Sigh.  You are older, now.   A year older.  You know the days have passed, and the required number of weeks have qualifed you into a new category of year of birth, but you are older in new ways.  Your heart moves slower and your reactions lack the enthusiasm you knew them once to be capable of.  It’s not their fault, you think to yourself.  How could I have known that it… and then you stop the thought.  The same thought you’ve echoed within yourself so many millions of times.  You couldn’t have known. 

You couldn’t have known.  You couldn’t have stopped yourself.  You couldn’t have prepared your heart.  You couldn’t have protected yourself.  You couldn’t have spared your future.  You couldn’t have stopped the walls from forming.  You couldn’t have known.  You couldn’t have slowed the motions.  You couldn’t have removed his hands.  You couldn’t have known.  You couldn’t have expected he would kiss you that way.  You couldn’t have known.  You couldn’t have seen what you would end up as.  You couldn’t have realized it would hurt this way. 

You couldn’t have known.

You couldn’t have known.

And even if you could have. 

What would become of you then?

Aaand, I’m never telling another guy I date that I have a blog and I use it to talk shit on men. Good plan.

Posted in Uncategorized by dagnydarling on July 20, 2011

Sooo…. There’s starting to be a troubling trend in my life.

I realize that you didn’t ask what this revelation was, and I bet you don’t really care, because I wouldn’t care since this is a very blatantly selfish post.  But- I’m going to tell you anyway becuase I want to hash this out with myself and see where my mind takes me.  I will also probably delete this post in 3 days becuase I promised all 4 of my readers (hi mom!) that I would stop being melodramatic and introspective because self-searching isn’t funny.  It’s sad

Hi Dr. Drew. You're hot... Can I facebook stalk you?

Anyway.  I haven’t been emotionally interested in anyone new for a year.  I understand this sounds like absolutely nothing and you’re probably sitting there like, “ummmm, you’re a douchebag.  Stop thinking so much, you’re obviously not good at it.”  But let me explain before you get all judgey and mean.

I dated muscles for a while, then Mr. Pretty, then the Libra.  They overlapped one another and came back around and did start-stop things, all since 2009.  Nobody new.  I’m scared of new people.  No, I’m terrified of new people.

And it’s unfortunate because I don’t really want to be single.  I’ve lived that phase out and I’ve had fun and gone crazy and been selfish without thinking about how other people felt.  I’ve used that phrase, “I’m only going to be  young once.”  I’m still young, but that phrase makes a lot less sense tonight than it did when I threw it around as an excuse.

Mr. Pretty and I were volatile (I know, I know… stop talking about it right?), but I thought it was just going to be a really good story one day.  Ironically enough, it’s a shitty story and it makes me sound like a moron.  Or Taylor Swift minus the fame.  Same thing I suppose.  And I was so wounded by it that I only dated people I was positive were safe.  Muscles loved me, and still does.  When the Libra and I dated the first time around, he was smitten and I was too busy feeling bad about myself to realize that it had potential.

So when I finally got over Mr. Pretty and finally saw that relationship for all of its awfulness, I didn’t think much about the fact that I kind of pranced around with Muscles again.  When Muscles annoyed me to the point of outbursts, I didn’t think much about the fact that I went bee-lining for the Libra.  What I didn’t think about was that, hey! maybe the the Libra isn’t smitten with me anymore.  What a thought, right?

Well the Libra is not smitten.  He’s actually on the rebound.  And he’s actually still recovering from that.  And for those reasons and some others I won’t bother to write about here, we parted ways.  He and I doing so isn’t the point of this though… it’s just… WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING

My relationships all have a similar trajectory, which is alarming.  Want to know what it is?  Of course you don’t!  That’s why I’m going to tell you anyway.

We meet.  He’s all about it and I’m sort of “eehhhh” about it. Then we stop talking because I behave like a 16 year old then I’m all, “wait! I’m totally sprung on you.  We’d have hot babies Wanna get married?”  And then he goes, “Not really...” and I respond with “Seriously, I’m totally the right girl for you… WHY CAN’T YOU JUST GROW UP AND SEE HOW AWESOME I AM?!” and then, after staring at my cell phone for 76 hours straight begging for the LED light to blink or debating whether or not my phone is even working, I give an ultimatum because I’m delerious from no sleep and he’s like, “I’d really rather not.”  And then I say, “Okay.”  The end.

People always say that admitting you have a problem is the first step.  So world, please consider this my first step.  I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t like me.  Honestly, I’d prefer someone who thought I was nice.  Or funny.  Or both, whatever.  I’m just worried that I kind of forgot how.  My need to be in control of people superceded my ability to recognize when people weren’t right for me.  Can I unlearn that?  Is that like teaching a child how to un-walk?  Or is it like actually breaking an addiction?

This sucks.  I couldn’t get a cool addiction that would land me on A&E.  I’m stuck with this bullshit cliche tendency that makes me more Dear Abby and less reality television. 

*Also, I am concerned that the Libra is reading this (in which case Heyyyyy… this is awkward…)  Because if I were him and I told someone that I just “couldn’t” God knows I would totally hit up their blog and be like this bitch is totally talking shit.  But I’m not.  Because I’m a grown up.*

That’s Gotta Suck.

Posted in Uncategorized by dagnydarling on July 13, 2011

So, you’ve chopped off your husband’s penis.  Okay, maybe he was about to become your ex-husband and maybe you poisoned him and maybe you thought it would add a little somethin’ to the story if you tied him to a bed and used a ten inch knife to castrate him… Obviously if you’ve planned this far ahead, you know exactly what to tell the cops after you calmly tell the 911 operator that yeah, there’s a bit of a medical emergency in your apartment.

What, everyone will wonder, were your words of brilliance that comprised the reasoning for such a brutal deed?  Obviously: “He deserved it.”

That, ladies and gents, is the kind of woman who lives in the same lovely county as I do.  This crazy bitch CUT OFF HER HUSBAND’S PENIS.  WITH A KNIFE. 

Oh, but it gets better… because really, once you’ve dismembered the same man you promised to love and cherish til death (or unfortunate litigation) do us part, why not go a little crazy?

She… God, it hurts to even write it… she… she put… his penis… down…the garbage disposal.  Ack…the noise that must have made!?!

Loraina Bobbit, wherever that nut-case is, must be writhing with jealousy of this lady who dared to so blatantly one up her.  And I, in the comfort of my room (after having sent this story to almost everyone I know), am writhing with some sort of morbid curiosity at what has to go so fucking wrong in your life that this seems like even a slightly acceptable idea.

BOW DOWN... I AM ALL THAT IS CRAZY!

Upon telling D about it, she pointed out that really it’s the only way to make sure your ex doesn’t sleep with anyone else… but really, after they imprison you or find you a cozy, padded cell, you won’t be doing the deed with anyone either.  Unless Freddy Kruger is looking for a lady friend.

The Libra asked me where I was last night, trying to insinuate that I am capable of such outbursts. (For the record: I am not.  I might get a little needy, or throw a tantrum from time to time, but I will leave you with your penis).

My coworker simply said, “Please, please don’t tell me you think this was cool.”

And now that the story has spread like wild fire and men the world over are investing in pad-locked protection for their members, you’ve got to be concerned that shit like this even goes on on a Monday night.  Personally, I’m concerned that shit like this goes on in what seems to be a high-end, affluent, relatively normal community.  Have we, as a culture, moved so far past the predictable, I’m-burning-all-your-stuff-because-you-suck acts, that we succumb to physically marring someone?  Revoking their man-card in the most literal (and disturbing) sense?

You know this bitch was thinking that she wanted to cause some irreprable damage.  She was sending a message.  I pray to the heavens I never have to understand that message, but hot damn!  Was she calm through the whole ordeal?  “Oh, you need that?  Hm… well, look, yeah, there’s still bits and pieces left! We’ll just sew it back on.  There!  Good as new.  You’re fine honey, stop whining, you’re just making it bleed worse.”

It’s a penis.  They NEED those… that’s where they store all their hopes and dreams and aspirations for future and self worth.  It would be like robbing me of my wit.  (ha. ha).

Sigh.  There’s a man out there, in critical condition now, without a penis.  And a woman, in jail, probably getting high-fives from her fellow basket-cases.

And there’s me… morbidly relieved that there are people out there so out of their trees that they make me look not only normal, but awesome, and wondering what the motherfuck anyone could do to actually deserve getting Lorana Bobbitted.

Gentlemen, hide your penises.  She’s coming for them.

Why Are You Shaking? I Don’t Know I Guess I’m Just Happy

Posted in Uncategorized by dagnydarling on July 8, 2011

Maybe it’s me being emotional because I’m on my period.  Maybe it was the ice cream.  Maybe it’s the stress.  Maybe it’s the suspiciously long recovery from the 4th of July spent exactly how the founding fathers would have wanted— with shots of Jameson in dimly lit bars…. But Jebus I’m freaking out about being a cat lady.

Have you ever seen Say Anything with John Cusak?  It’s absolutely everything you could ever want in a cheesy 80’s chick flick.  Before we got all 500 Days of Summer/maybe happy endings are all bullshit, the 80’s fucking nailed the idea of work hard enough and you get the girl/guy.  Our generation, once again everybody- say it with me, SUCKS.

So long story short, John Cusack is kind of a weird creepy dude who falls for quintessential overachieving ASB girl that nobody in real life would actually befriend, she falls for him (thereby significantly lowering her standards and probably setting herself up for a lifetime of mediocrity and frustration), then her dad is a money launderer (?) and she breaks up with poor John because… I don’t know… she thinks that having a boyfriend is related to her father being a criminal?

Anyway, guess what John does.  GUESS!  He stands outside her window at dawn (or dusk… lighting is pretty shitty in the 80’s, not sure), and holds what appears to be a 45 pound boombox over his head playing Phil Collins into her bedroom window.  I about cried.  Okay, I teared up.

I'm willing to provide my address and a boombox. Just need a volunteer with strong arms and a trench coat, fellas.

And then I did what every girl does when we watch these movies…. I thought to myself, “Hold on… how come nobody ever did this for ME?”  Okay, I admit I’m not even sure that grand gestures really exist or if Hollywood invented them just to make sure that all men will never measure up, but still…  The grandest gesture I’ve ever experienced was a picture in High School from my boyfriend where he wrote I<3 U in the sand at the beach in Diet Coke…

Which, looking back is actually pretty sweet, but something a homeless person probably could have managed with a stolen camera.

What I’m trying to say is Say Anything is my dream movie.  It was everything you ever wanted in a cheesy romance: weirdly intense face grabbing while kissing outside, rambling speeches about completely unrestrained mushiness, and of course, a grand gesture from a guy to a girl who probably doesn’t really deserve it anyway.

I’m not saying I deserve it.  I’m not saying I even kind of deserve someone irritating my neighbors just to press me (sigh), but it’d be pretty spectacular.  Should a romantic comedy ever be written about my life it will be some joke of a girl who offends everybody, manages to mess everything up (in a completely NOT adorable, endearing way), gets her period in the guy she likes’ bed (TWICE!– sorry, Libra) and then ends up with the guy she hated but she’s so worn down by scaring everyone away that she just gives up since she doesn’t want to be a cat lady.  And that’s not romantic at all.  It’s scary, actually.

God… my romantic movie sounds a little bit like that awful 80’s movie Carrie.  That’s encouraging.

She's... pretty.... right? Shit, my future looks bleak.

 

I Promise To Never Try To Put You In A Microwave, and other life lessons.

Posted in Uncategorized by dagnydarling on June 28, 2011

Living with D and her mom has had some interesting effects in my life.  Namely, I drink much less and watch way more awful prime-time television.  In fact, I spent an hour of my life watching The Bachelorette (and basically breaking every promise I’ve ever made about never watching such shit TV), and yelling at the screen… or the moron gracing it.  Seriously, this show is an absolute disaster and their consistent use of grammar as some weird, shallow metaphor was enough to make me repeatedly slap myself in the forehead.  I may have brain damage.  Bad reality television gave me brain damage.  I always said that shit was dangerous.  PROOF!

Hi! I'm an IDIOT. I'm making women look less stable and more frivolous one hour segment at a time.

Anyway, in my own life, I like to think I am far wiser than this dentist-turned-reality-hooker-slash-romantic-retard woman… but we have no evidence of such superiority so I don’t really know.  I’m still whatevering with the Libra.  I say whatevering because I’m trying to be normal and patient and not scare him away I know better than to force some sort of weird name on it just so it makes more sense when I talk about him to my friends, who absolutely love the guy… which is a first.*

My girlfriends hate the guys I date.  And the guys I date never take much of an interest in them which normally is not only irritating but offensive… especially since I take such great pride in friends liking me.  I’m a nice girl, I will buy you a drink and chat you up about your weird job or ugly shoes.  It’s part of the role.  But the guys I date just tell me my friends are “scary” or “party too hard.”  The Libra has been a long time favorite with them- a fact that make him all the more appealing.

There’s a theory about this, one that I heard recently and completely buy into… It says that your friends’ opinions of a significant other are more important generally than your family’s.  This is due to the sheer fact that you choose your friends as some sort of reflection of yourself and your beliefs.  Your family, God bless ’em, you just sort of got put with.  What my family would think of him, who knows.  That’s a bridge I’ll cross when (if) I get there, but my friends being such big fans is reassuring… Given my history of “I think this might be a bad choice but I’ll test it out and figure it out the hard way,” my friends remind me that I’m making a smart (ish?) decision here.  I’m not blindly throwing myself into the wind, I’m not trying to force life or change someone.  I’m accepting it, rolling with it, crossing my fingers with the confidence that I know what I want and for the most part- who he is. 

I’m growing up.  Impressed?  You should be.

In unrelated news, a woman in Sacramento MICROWAVED HER BABY GIRL.  Like she was popcorn.  The baby, obviously, died.  The simple existence of such fucking crazies makes me question my desire to reproduce.  Hell, even marry.  You never fucking know.  Like, did that baby’s daddy recognize that homegirl was literally out of her tree?  She cooked a child.  And then lied.  And then the cops found the pacifier in the microwave and questioned her and she spewed some bullshit about being a schizo.

The world is scary place.  It’s a good thing I’ve got good friends.

*Disclaimer: The Libra knows about this blog.  Whether or not he dislikes himself enough to spend time reading it, I don’t know… But it’s one of those “welcome to my crazy brain” situations.  We’re trying to tone down the crazy*

What’s Your Zodiac Sign? (Always Reminds Me of that Rap Song)…

Posted in Uncategorized by dagnydarling on June 21, 2011

Almost a year ago I went to go see Camille the fortune teller.  Over a year ago, I cursed Camille for being an idiot and taking my money and sort of creeping me out.  I may (emphasis on MAY) owe that weird clarvoyant an apology.

She babbled on about a lot of things, most interestingly, about D getting pregnant.  But she said I’d have a boyfriend… and I really wanted one at the time, I wanted to fall into something new and see where it would take me.  What I didn’t count on happening was the opportunity to actually have that, and when it presented itself, I freaked out and hid in the corner from it.

I’m not saying she was right… I’m saying that maybe she just had a really awful sense of timing.  Literally hours after I left her creepy voodoo room, I hung out with a guy I liked.  I followed up liking him with acting like a weirdo, and then we went our separate ways.  Remember him? The Libra?  I think he’s… back?  Well, he isn’t really back on his own terms, I sort of drug him kicking and screaming but evidently I’m rather convincing when I’m bitchy.  But we aren’t ruling him out.

Homeboy is getting out of a relationship.  I think he thinks I’m a complete wackjob.  I know he thinks I’m bizarre and mean.  And… I think he likes me?  I don’t know.  I’m confused.  But I’m interested in him because I have awful timing and I can’t do anything unless it’s good and difficult. 

We spent the weekend together- and it was good to see him have fun and interact with my friends.  I forgot how much dating was like a series of increasingly intense interviews.  Or maybe I never dated someone who I found intimidating on some level or another.  But if we are predicating this on any of my other relationships- I would be smart to disregard everything I know.  It’s nice though, and I’m enjoying it while trying to seem relatively normal (which, let’s be frank, easier said than done).

It’s been three weeks since we’ve kind of been talking and doing that, I-think-we-should-hang-out-but-I’m-too-sober-to-be-upfront-about-it thing and it’s going well so I just kind of roll with it.  (By roll with it I mean try my damnedest not to be anal-retentive and keep everything under my control).  I clearly need help.  So what do you do when you have a problem?  Google it!

This is what MSN tells you to do if you like someone (I am NOT making this up):

  1. Be touchy but not too touchy.  Touch his arm lightly and briefly, but never go below the belt (although she OKs playing footsie). And yeah, I know some of you are squeamish about contact, but it’s so effective!     What does that even mean?!  I don’t like to be touched when I’m sober and if I’m drinking I want to be taken everywhere via a piggy back ride.  They should be more specific.
  2. Let him to do the bend and snap. If you make eye contact with a cute guy in Starbucks and you need an excuse to talk, drop a pen on the way to the bathroom. In the olden days, women dropped hankies.    I’m confused.  Again.  Is this a Legally Blonde reference?
  3. Pump him up.  Compliment him, let him talk, make him feel like he’s calling the shots, and laugh at his jokes.      But… what if the jokes aren’t that funny?
  4. Keep a full schedule. You’ll be more interesting if you’re busy with different activities. Also, you won’t be totally available for him. Ladies, we could stand to be a little more elusive and mysterious.  Tell him I’m busy when I’m really just watching Friends reruns and drinking wine by myself. 
  5. Get a signature scent. The sense of smell aids in sexual attraction. Whatever perfume you wear, he’ll associate it with you! Bonus: if your perfume rubs off on his pillow or towel, it will further remind him of you.    Is this creepy to anyone else?  Don’t cats pee on stuff with the same territory-claiming intentions?

This list was ridiculous, and I genuinely hope women out there aren’t following this kind of misguided wisdom in their own lives, although I’m sure there are some stupid enough to try.  Oh well.  I’ll keep you all posted on any big happenings, like if I start my period in his bed again… (yeah, I blogged about that last year.  That was really special).

Sorry if you read this whole thing.  I’m very tired, but I needed to post something- anything, and now we have a jumping off point for whatever the future holds.  Welcome back, Libra!

 

Tuesday Evening Musings From Your Favorite Dear Abby Wannabe.

Posted in Uncategorized by dagnydarling on June 1, 2011

In re-reading a lot of my posts, I tend to write heavily about first dates.  Not so much second ones, or third ones, or gulp, break ups.  And as I’m sure everyone will agree- that’s mostly because break ups SUCK.  Like, suck hard.  Perhaps I’m fortunate because I only had one really awful break up that made me a complete bucket of crazy… but I survived it.  I came through the other end with only a slightly alarming drinking problem. 

But- because I’m a good person and I have not much else to write about, I’m going to go ahead and tell you how I was able to move on.  Because that shit is hard.  And sometimes you need a tore-up 23 year old girl with a laptop to tell you how life works.  It’s cool.

1.  Get you some friends.  Good ones.  The last thing a broken hearted, melodramatic girl needs are girls who give shitty advice or just judge you as you cry into your bottle glass of wine.  Recruit the girls who bring you more bottles of wine to be your support system, not the judgy ones.

2. Leave it be.  Just don’t.  I know, you think you have something really important to say… If only you had told him that one thought you had!  He would totally still be in love with you!  …Only, he wouldn’t.  So when you want to pick up the phone/email/blog/twitter (technology is not your friend), punch yourself or something.  Or go back to the bottle of wine.  But do NOT make contact.  Just keep reminding yourself: out of sight, out of mind. Then repeat.

3. On the opposite end of #2, don’t let him jerk you around.  They don’t do that because they are having genuine second thoughts, they do that because they are genuinely terrified of being alone.  I’m sure you’re lovely, but if he wanted you, he’d be with you.

4.  Watch He’s Just Not That Into You and cry for a little while.

5. Cry some more.  I don’t really get (or like) the girls who say, “I just got over him.  I turned off my emotions and I’m over it.” No you’re not you freak of nature! You’re dying on the inside.  Stop pretending like your heart works better than mine.  At the risk of suppressing all those emotions and having them burst out at the worst possible moment and embarrassing the bananas out of you- feel what you have to feel.  Embrace the emotion, accept it, let it go. 

6. Don’t get fat.  Tempting, I know.  But that “Nobody will ever love me again and I’m awful and oh my god I’m just going to wear these pajamas until I die of loneliness” is not a good plan.  Again, call your friend and drink.

7.  But don’t drink too much!  This will make you fat.  And maybe make you cry… okay, it’s totally gonna make you cry and your beer belly will be laughing at you and you’ll just want to die all over again.  So balance the booze with something that makes you feel good about yourself.

8.  People LOVE that saying “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new.”  That might work.  But I think it just makes you extra crazy, and a whole lotta desperate and maybe an HIV patient.  Triple threat, and I promise, you will only be distracted but not for very long.

9. Keep going… Just keep doing what you do.  Don’t let a break up tell you anything about yourself except that you are ONE step closer to finding the right guy.  So that’s exciting, in a bitter sweet way.

10.  Have faith that you will, one day, be able to see him from across a patio and say to yourself, “oh, there’s  the guy who broke my heart so many months ago.”  And then that thought will be swiftly followed by, “Wait… am I… okay?”

And you will be.

How To Be Important:

Posted in Letters to Nobody by dagnydarling on May 19, 2011

Start your own blog!

Sike. (I’m bringing back the word “sike.”  Certain parts of the nineties, like this word and the cabbage patch dance move did not, in my very humble opinion get enough credit).

In all seriousness, I’m noticing  a troubling trend among women, and if you are reading this (thank you!) I know you’re guilty of the self-berating, awful treatment of yourself that I definitely practice from time to time. And if you aren’t, please vacate my blog- you are much too mentally stable for my yammerings.  This is a place for fellow “what the fuck did I just do?” people.  But anyway, I’m here to explain what I’ve learned in the past year and half or so of behaving like I flat out didn’t count.  And it’s not true, so maybe I can help you if you’ve kind of fallen into that rut too.

First– believe that you are.  Sincerely, honestly, know that you matter.  Because you do, even if it’s just some random chick with a laptop and a free evening telling you that.  Your opinions, your blabberings, your crying at stupid commercials or during that argument are valid, and important.  But if you don’t buy into any of your beliefs/theories/platforms, nobody else will.  Nor should they. 

If you, like I did, don’t believe yet that you are important a pretty good activity for you then is to fake it til you make it.  Tell yourself you are…  Not in a creepy-homeless-person-who-talks-to-themselves-way, but in a silent, inside your own head way.  If passers-by overhear you in the mall saying “I’m important!” not only will they not believe you, but they will alert authorities.  And generally people in padded cells can agree on their delusions of importance… So avoid that, please.  Anyway!  When you catch yourself discounting your thoughts “Oh, that was stupid of me,” stop!  Silently remind yourself that you are important.  You are NOT stupid. (Unless you genuinely are, in which case I can’t help you).

Second– Place blame when need be.  I’m not saying keep your index finger pointed in a permanent position facing outward at people near you… that’s creepy… but know when you are or not to blame.  Women are quick to fall into the “totally my fault.  I sooo apologize.  Please forgive me” thing… Even if it’s NOT.  If he cheats- you aren’t to blame.  If your boss is a crackpot who yells at you all the time, chances are you didn’t fuck everything up.  If you don’t deserve to take the fall for something, don’t.  It doesn’t mean you have to fight tooth and nail to convince everyone of your innocence or superiority, but it does mean that you need to stick to your own truth.  Sometimes other people just suck.  Sometimes we are not so fabulous, and that’s perfectly okay.  Humans are awesome like that.

Third– and this sort of goes with “second,” but have some standards.  Yeesh.  I am so guilty of going out with someone (last night?), and having a sort of okay time, but still staring menacingly at my phone wondering why the guy who was mehhh isn’t calling me incessantly declaring his love and reciting poetry (today?).  Don’t settle for less-than, or you will become less-than.  And who wants to be less-than?!  It kind of sounds like someone who would be missing an arm or something… I like my limbs.  Not that anyone thought I didn’t.

Fourth– People generally referred to as “important” are impressive.  And maybe right now you have a not very impressive job.  Doesn’t mean anything.  Maybe you have some habits (cough, cocaine, cough) that are kind of scary… But there’s always time to find a direction that IS impressive.  And more importantly, “impressive” is a relative term.  I don’t find blue-grass singers to be impressive, but D does.  D doesn’t find political figures impressive, and I swoon over them.  (Fact: I almost cried when my favorite Congressman remembered my name).  So just because everyone else doesn’t go “Ohmigod you’re so cool!” over attribute X about you, don’t worry about it.  It is so good for you mentally and emotionally though, to believe in yourself enough to set a goal that you think is impressive.  First, be proud of yourself for attempting said goal, and then, be proud of yourself for achieving it.  It’s a fun game.

Fifth–  If my extensive yoga experience has taught me anything (sike! I don’t do yoga, who are we kidding?), it’s that getting to know yourself is a good idea.  Fuck that.  It’s a brilliant idea.  Spend some one on one time with yourself and just do what you have always wanted to do- even if it’s napping, or sewing or whatever.  Know what you like, what you despise, what you are and are not capable of.  This way, when other people (douchebags) are doing that “Let me tell you something about YOU” crap, you can either admit internally that “yeah, maybe I could work on that” or “you’re a crazy bastard and I don’t need your judgements”.  Don’t rely on the two-bit opinions of people to form your own opinion of yourself.  More often than not, other poeple are wrong.  This kind of goes back to the “know when to accept blame thing.”

Another fun thing about this little part, getting to know yourself can normally result in liking yourself more.  Finding some sort of acceptance of who you are, of your big ears (cough, me, cough), or the way you laugh, or whatever it is you pick on yourself for without ANY reason.

Sixth– Finally, take care of yourself.  Be a priority in your own life.  For a long time people talked about learning to love yourself and I really didn’t understand.  I thought that meant tell people how much better you were than them… and guess what? That just makes people call you a “bitch.”  Which was sort of true at the time.

What I think they actually meant (I admit, I’m still sort of working it out), is to treat yourself like you were your own daughter (son if you have a penis).  This does not mean attempt to put your head up your vagina and give weird bizarre birth to yourself.  It doesn’t mean that at all.  But- think of it this way- if you had a daughter, would you stuff her full of shitty food and dress her like she was homeless?  Would you tell her she was stupid or not to bother with school or her friends?  No.  You would value her, make her feel special, treat her as the special being she is.  So, in a sort of creepy way, what I’m saying is to treat YOU like the special, unique, lovely being that you are. 

And there you have it.  I spent a year and a half hating myself, blaming myself, being angry at me and actually starving myself because I thought punishing my own person would somehow improve anything.  Surprise! It made it worse.  We all want to be told how important we are to other people, and while that’s normal and (duh) I do it too, it’s dangerous if “other people” start to supercede our own opinions.  So… just next time you feel like you’re becoming a big grey ball of “ugh,” remember that it’s temporary and you are better than that… and you are important.

*Also, points to me for managing to use SIKE twice in one post.*

It Sounds Like I Date A Lot, Which I Sort of Do, But I Just Have Little Else to Write About…

Posted in Birds & the Bees, Misc. by dagnydarling on May 17, 2011

I blame my lack of control over my life and my inability to “plan ahead” on my hair.  Mostly because I don’t like to wash it, and once I do wash it I am paralyzed by the oh-so-heavy decision, do I curl it or leave it straight?  And, God forbid I manage to decide and opt for a curl, I find myself glaring at my variety of curling irons… What kind of curl do I want?  (Side note: I think they all end up looking the same, but to justify the amount of money spent on my vibrator-look-alike hair tools, I tend to worry anyway).

The reason this matters is because I am meeting up with this guy tonight for what I guess is (don’t judge me!) a… blind date?  And the picture he saw of me has straight hair, so even though I prefer my hair curled, should I just stick with his expectations so I don’t throw him through a loop?  Furthermore (who says furthermore in a blog? That just seemed weird), it’s raining and since it never rains in California, I own precisely zero jackets and one pair of sneakers that are suede anyway so they can’t be relied upon to shelter my feet from puddles.  So I’m in heels.  4.5 inch heels.  In the rain.  Oh God, I’m gonna fall down.  I shouldn’t even go.  What if I sprain an ankle?  The fear/anxiety I have right now is soooo not worth meeting the cute guy my friend has been raving about for months.

Unless… it is.  Which is why I washed/blew dry/straightened my hair today.  Because, women- I know you feel me on this: you never freaking know.

The romantic at heart in me, lives by the “you never know” mantra.  And it is her fault that I even let my friend set me up.  It was her that drug my ass out of bed this morning and it was her that convinced me yes, shaving my legs would probably be a good idea.  Worst case scenario: homeboy tonight is the man of my dreams (doubtful), but since I couldn’t be bothered to brush my hair he was uninterested in the girl who looked like a homeless version of Amy Winehouse.  So I brushed my hair.  Shaved my legs.  And, as mentioned before, it is the rain’s fault that I am wearing heels.

As a final note, I should have written about this yesterday.  Because I don’t really know blind-date etiquette… Do we hug? I generally give a hug/kiss combo when greeting, but that’s way too much, right? Can’t I just give him my resume and pretend like we’ve always known eachother? Is drinking allowed or does that send the she-is-a-lush red flag up?  Clearly, I’m in need of some guidance here.

Then again, as soon as I get really caught up in the “ohmigod, what if…?” thoughts, the normal girl inside me bitch-slaps the romantic girl and says, “fuck that, it’s free food.”  And I breathe easy again.