Dagnydarling's Blog

…And Then I Ran Out of Jokes.

Posted in Letters to Nobody by dagnydarling on April 4, 2011

Remember when I was funny?  Remember when I posted with dependable regularity?  Want to know what happened?  I moved.

I swear, I got away from Charlie the Miracle dog and his douche-bag of a mom, M, and I am literally incapable of producing a blog that doesn’t blow ever since.  I blame geography.

…Only that’s not the whole story, I’m afraid.  My blogging skills/schedule was largely dependent on the general mood I was in.  I’m good when I’m miserable.  In fact, my humor reaches impressive levels the less happy I am internally.

So in yet another way the-universe-is-fucked-up, the defenese mechanism I have exploited for years is kind of useless when there’s nothing to defend myself from.  When I am unhappy, I deflect the probing questions and sympathetic looks by throwing open the doors to my self-deprecating humor.  I suppose I must be thinking, “well, I might be black and rotten on the inside, but at least I can still make people laugh.”  Or something like that.

Imagine my surprise then, when I found myself comfortable for the first time in a very long while.  And with this comfort came a mental break that took me off guard-duty for myself.  I can communicate with people without the need to interject jokes to control the situation.  I employ my sarcasm less often now since I don’t need it to distract whoever is unfortunate enough to be near me.  I am, I cannot believe I am writing this, not angry.

That’s a lie.  I’m less angry.  I’m still frustrated with Democrats and my boss and the weather’s bipolar tendencies of late.  I’m still disappointed with certain folks and myself for my various shortcomings.  But I’m not (at the moment— knock on wood) pissed off at the air for being there.  I don’t want to yell at trees and the sky and God.  I’m just kind of… going.

Ironically, as I became less awful a person, my blog plummeted.  I think it’s more because I’m not passionate about things now… That’s not right either… I’m not passionately aggressive.  I’m still in love with politics and my family and my friends and good music and literature.  But I’m not forcing myself and my thoughts on the world, and I’m not (currently— knock on wood again!) trying to prove a point that I was never able to articulate well, anyway.  

And conssequently, I’ll be taking a break from blogging.  I neglected myself lately, and I was miserable… I cried myself to sleep for a long time, and I never looked in the mirror and asked why.  Choosing to wallow was sooo much easier and blog-worthy.  The need to grieve a number of things took priority over my own emotional well-being and to be frank, I got lazy and in the laziness, incredibly selfish.  Lately, I feel like I see a different girl in the mirror, and I kind of like her more than that teenage-esque bitchy-for-no-reason person I always thought I was. 

Sooner or later, I’ll return to the world of blogging with what I’m sure will be a wave of observations, but for now, I’ll keep if off the blogosphere.  I’m just done trying to be funny.

Everything works out in the end.  If it hasn’t worked out yet, then it’s not the end.

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