Dagnydarling's Blog

I’m Forming A Committee of People Who Will Make Romantic Choices FOR Me. I Have Fired Myself.

Posted in Birds & the Bees by dagnydarling on February 17, 2011
Remember that one Valentine’s Day where you were going to stay home, drink a glass of wine and catch up on work, then maybe watch a movie and get some desperately needed rest?
No? That’s right!  You got drunk and went to the bars for a completely predictable lonely-hearts club party and got wasted before getting NO sleep and going to work hungover and TORE. UP.  Bravo.

Okay, I didn't cry myself to sleep, or text my exes. Because I deleted their numbers in anticipation of my poor decision making skills.

This is the conversation I had with myself yesterday morning while hazily trying to remember where my keys, lipgloss, and pride were.

Anyway, that was my Valentine’s Day…. And just for good measure, I fell both in and out of love in the course of half an hour and now have a stalker.

I was engrossed in conversation with easily the most attractive guy I’ve seen in a long time and I was silently singing the praises of the Valentine’s Gods for finally cutting me some romantic slack. Yeah, he was totally rocking the grungy, artsy thing but he owned his own company.  Because I had maybe one too many glasses of wine by this point, I just reveled in my good luck, and didn’t consider that a guy like that realistically doesn’t exist.  But no, I was busy being enamored with my good fortune.  It was the best of both worlds.  An artsy capitalist.  A tall artsy capitalist.  A HOT, tall artsy capitalist. 

But… then… under his beanie (yes, beanie), I thought… wait… did I just… is that… do you have GREEN hair? “Yeah, I’m super pissed it was supposed to be blue.”  Oh… Well.  No, that’s not better.

“I write music too, the tattoo on my arm is my own lyrics actually.”

… Because OF COURSE they are.

And after about 45 minutes and 9 red flags later (not even counting the botched Marge Simpson hair), I realized I had not seen him with any friends.  At all.  Fuck.  Did I just give my number to a guy who came to the bars ALONE on VALENTINE’S DAY?

Yes. Yes I did.  And now he won’t stop texting me about how “sad” he is.

And I had hoped to make out with a stranger, but didn’t.  (This was, strangely enough, disputed)   I have some sort of inherent cock-block tendency though that reared its ugly head that evening.  I generally do not do well with the sort of meet-a-stranger-let-em-touch you kind of game.  I’m awkward, and I need to validate every physical encounter I have.  In other words: if I make out with you, I expect us to date.  If you see me naked, we’re practically facebook official.  In essence I was silently screaming in my head “WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?” at everyone in the bar that evening.  Well, not everyone.  The guy with green hair already did love me.

…Because OF COURSE I would manage to attract only certifiably insane loners.

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Things That Are Better Single

Posted in Birds & the Bees, Letters to Nobody by dagnydarling on February 3, 2011

You may have heard, but Valentine’s Day is sort of coming up.  And since I am harboring slight resentment towards people who own penises, I will be spending the holiday with… yep, Charlie the stupid miracle dog.  And maybe drinking wine while opening presents that my mom gets me every year since it’s become quite apparent that her daughter is doomed for spinsterhood… oh, your mom doesn’t pretend to be your valentine? Me neither…  (hi, mom!)

So, in an attempt to remind those of us who may or may not be planning on throwing a grenade (bomb, not ugly Jersey- girl) through the window of your local romantic eatery that there are some major perks to singledome, I offer you this shabby list:

Things That Are (Slightly) Better While Single:

  1. Happy Hour.  All eight hours of it because you have no other commitments and nobody is blowing up your phone or asking why you are still out drinking with those people you only kind of know.
  2. Christmas.  You just saved yourself a whole lot of money and time by not plotting the perfect gift for a man who will inevitably buy you something in the wrong size, or tickets to something that he really wants to see more than you… or in my case, the dog that you didn’t want and had to give away once you broke up… (poor Penny).
  3. Vegas.  There is absolutely no good that comes from having a significant other while you run around in what is probably a shirt that automatically gets reclassified as a stand-alone dress in Vegas. 
  4. Bars.  Because if you’re taken you essentially  just got dressed up to look at strangers hotter than your boyfriend that you aren’t allowed to talk to.  Lucky. You.
  5. Lifetime Television.  For reasons unbeknownst to me, men can never fully appreciate the joys of movies called She’s Too Young, or Someone Else’s Husband.  So good.  (Who doesn’t want to watch Tori Spelling’s TV-movie comeback?)
  6. Free Time.  For those of you without boyfriends, it’s the time you spend napping, or shopping, or reading the book you always wanted to read, or brunching with girlfriends.  For those of you with boyfriends: it’s the time you spend staring at him watching basketball, or running errands or hanging out with his parents. 
  7. Panties that are not thongs.  Sweet hallelujah.  Because sometimes you just gotta rock the full-butt undies.
  8. Holidays that revolve around booze and/or costumes. Actually, any holiday that doesn’t require extensive family time.  He’s seen you naked already, dressing up like a slutty beer wench is for the strangers you meet on Halloween, not for him.  Let’s get real.
  9. Shopping. No feeling guilty that maybe you should buy him that shirt he wanted, or him telling you that he really is not a fan of you in blue so then you stay away from the color blue.  It’s all about you and your limitless materialism.  Get it, girl. 
  10. Sleeping.  No snoring.  No weird boy smell in your bed.  No awkward pillow-sharing.  No sleep-talking, mumbling, shouting or punching.  No other-people’s alarms going off at the fucking crack of dawn.  Just you, sleeping pleasantly by yourself without any interruptions or other nuisances.  So good.

Okay, so if you do not dabble in a love of drinking, you probably should think about getting a boyfriend because really, I’m not sure what you do all night/weekend… Lifetime movies aren’t THAT good, and there’s only so much shopping for yourself you can do until your that broke, lonely girl.

There.  This was uplifting.  You’re welcome, single friends!

All You Need is L-O-V-E

Posted in Letters to Nobody by dagnydarling on January 24, 2011

I’m a big believer in happily ever after.  I subscribed to Disney movies with a fervor that conservatives would envy, and I stand by my arguments of meant to be.  Even with a broken heart and a jaded view of life, I am a vehement defender of all things mushy, and none of that makes me sad.

Yesterday, I had one of those days that reminds you to believe in God.  I woke up early to great weather and the sun shining through my big window.  Sitting outside of the patio of Panera, I read my book by myself and ate a sandwich while (unintentionally) eavesdropping on two people nearby.  They weren’t a couple, maybe a brother/sister combo, or long-time male/female friends.  When she got up to go to her car, she yelled over at him, “You’re loved.”  He looked back and said, “You are too!”

Hearing that exchange made me inexplicably happy.  There I was, by myself in the middle of the day, anxiousy awaiting  a brazilian wax that was sure to be inexplicably painful and I couldn’t help but feel myself light up behind my massive sunglasses.  How awesome was that, I thought to myself.  That’s all we ever want to hear…  That we’re loved, by anyone in this big, crazy world.  And the way they did it, like it was so obvious that the other was loved, adored by another was absolutely refreshing and in a way that I so desperately needed to hear.  Whoever they are, wherever they went after their lunch, I owe them both a debt of gratitude… I felt loved by simply being nearby such a nonchalant good-bye.  And I ask anyone who reads this to just remind someone they love them today, right now.  You never know how much someone you adore needs to hear it, and you never know what sort of blessing you’ll inflict by spreading your message to those fortunate enough to be near to listen in.

I fell in love.  I stumbled into what I was certain was meant to be, and I was mistaken.  The same man who wondered at my stubborn dedication to fairy-tale futures was the same one to prove himself right.  My father was unfaithful.  The boss that I swore would change the world couldn’t salvage his own marriage because of his lack of integrity.  And the man I prayed for every night turned out to be one of the same crowd.  I don’t give up on my hope for love though, or my belief that everyone has a someone out there meant to love them for the absolute wreck we all are.  I give up on him.  I give up on the person I so sincerely believed him to be… the person he didn’t believe in himself enough to become. 

That’s okay. though.  We live, we learn, and we go on.  I’m no exception to this rule. 

I spent the day on the patio of a bar with my best friend.  Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, and I will no doubt spend it working, I have come to term with this.  But as we left the bar, I came across an interesting sign…

I don't even LIKE the dog I live with.

 

My roommate and I died laughing… For different reasons.  Her Valentine’s Day is going to be Santa Barbara with a guy who would give both legs to see her smile.  My valentine’s day will be something more along the lines of the people who will hang out with their pets.  Frankly, I’d rather just be alone than hang out with Charlie the Miracle Dog. 

But regardless, I found myself smiling.  Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate the people you love, not just the people you love who have the opposite genatalia.  And yes, I find it a silly holiday, but the purpose is something inherently endearing to me.  It’s a day when the majority of the American population get on my level and succumb to the idea that you can love someone enough to change the world, or at least, your own world.

People leave.  They’ll disappoint you, or hurt you, or make you feel like you deserve to be unhappy (which is never true).  The trick is to never let them trick you into believing that they are the whole representation of love, because they aren’t- especially if they make you doubt it.  I’m a cynic with a seriously soft-heart, and that heart is filled with people I don’t remind often enough that they are more than I could dare to think I deserve. 

So, do me a favor: don’t wait until Valentine’s Day or some other cheesy Hallmark-induced holiday to remind the people close to you that they make you smile.  Also, please don’t bring your dog to the bar on Valentine’s Day.  Softie as I may be, I will ridicule you.

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

So hold on to what you believed in the light