It’s raining really hard. Which- I’ve heard- happens. But normally not in California so this is new, and a little scary and probably partially responsible for me not being able to fall asleep.
Regardless of my misanthropic tendencies cited here, I really do believe in the world, and the (majority) of people in it. Which is why I spend every Tuesday and some Thursdays hanging out with homeless babies. I look forward to it all week, primarily because who doesn’t love babies? and also because my life is kind of filled with things that I dread doing. But this place is where miracles happen.
I can’t give any details because a handful of the moms who live in the shelter are abused or looking for a way to run from their addictions or crazy stalkers, or whatever. But they, trust me on this, are incredible. And all I have to do is walk in, grab my baby (I’ve fallen madly in love with a 7 month old who just started crawling), and hold him and play with him and just watch his two little teeth show when he smiles wider than I initially thought his face to be capable of. He’s insanely happy and offers me a workout chasing after him. He likes to play peek-a-boo and I like to make funny faces, so we get along quite perfectly.
This place, I’ve been to before. I’ve volunteered here a few years ago, where I met a little girl (4 yrs) named Jessalyn who was being given up for adoption. When I found out she was one of the ones being given up, I didn’t really know how to be around her. Did she know she was moving away? Was she scared? Did she feel unwanted? This little girl, however, was a bad-ass. She proudly announced to me one day that “A lot of people love me.” I didn’t dispute this. Jessa was beautiful, and tiny with long hair and goofy bangs… it would be impossible not to adore this itty-bitty person who was actually kind of bossy. So I said, “I bet they do!” And she explained to me that she had both a heart mommy and a belly mommy, and she got a heart daddy too! There was no fear in her little face, no shame, no worry about where she’d end up. The sheer fact that so many people loved her and wanted to care for her was all she needed.
Jessalyn, and this shelter are why I decided to adopt. I could be a heart mommy… I feel it in my gut that I could do that for a child, and I could make them proud like Jessa was to have a parent like me. But- time has taught me that being a belly mommy is in my future, too. The joy of announcing to my parents that I am pregnant, the feeling of a little kick, and a hugely swollen belly (that I will totally complain about) are things that I now want.
So while I watch these women with absolutely nothing left find ways to make their babies proud, I have found my own direction and my own strength. It reminds me, on days like today when I have run out of reasons to think so, that people really are good. They mean well, but sometimes get a little lost- some though, find their way back. Every Tuesday, I watch magic happen and get to play a (very small) role in it.
Even if the rain is bashing the skull of Southern California in, and the economy sucks, and people get sick, and I sort of forgot who I was this year, I’ve got hope. And should I ever get lost, I know where to go: a tiny building with a whole lot of strollers and an abundance of beauty inside. Thank you Jessalyn, the shelter, and that gorgeous little boy who spit up on my shirt a few hours ago for reminding me to believe.
I went to a psychic yesterday. It needs to be mentioned that I generally don’t buy into this kind of thing, and actually am slightly weirded out by it. Regardless, I found myself sitting with Camille yesterday in a room the size of my closet, watching her flip cards over and more or less tell me what the future holds.
I won’t put it all in here, but I will tell you that she told my best friend that she’d get knocked up in the near future. No mention of husband or significant other, just a baby…. So in comparison, I think my future is looking far brighter than hers.
What Camille did mention was Mr. Pretty. I confess, I have still been speaking with him. Meeting up, talking, kissing once in a while, whatever. But when we met up yesterday for breakfast, I was totally discouraged to see that he’s beginning to change. He says he’s “fan-fucking-tastic” and has never been in a better spot in his life, so that’s great. But it just so happens that this person that I always, stupidly, thought he was deep down isn’t actually there. He’ll continue on his path and growing and changing, but he’ll never be the person that I liked to think he was, or could be. Plus, he’s hitting his dating stride sort of late in the game, and to listen to him talk about it was less than awesome.
Camille told me that God wants him out of my life, but I keep fighting it. I hang on. No shit, huh? But oddly enough, yesterday I had vowed to close that door anyway. Leaving it open just encourages lingering feelings, confusion, and ultimately it will all end with me waging war on my self… because I’m attracted to things/people that are blatantly unhealthy for me. Today I threw away the stuff he wrote me, I deleted his phone number, I need to delete him from facebook. Don’t get me wrong: I am not mad at him. But I know that he and I just don’t work– in fact, I don’t even think I want it to work anymore.
The other, far more interesting, thing Camille said was that I had a boyfriend in my near future. I have mixed feelings about being in another relationship, but if Camille was right, then he sounds like a pretty good fella. Apparently, he’s 6 foot (which I would dig), light hair and light eyes, old school, older than I am but only by a few years, a libra who is great with computers. And here’s where it gets creepy, or where I start to read too much into this whole thing; take your pick…
The guy from last weekend at the bar and I met up last night. Even though the kid texts and doesn’t call and was a little bit of a cheeseball, I figured why not. My girlfriends and I made it to the bar before him because I was worried that I wouldn’t remember what he looked like and didn’t want to get ambushed… And in he walks. I’m pleasantly surprised to find that I didn’t quite remember how attractive he really was, which is always nice. After that weird, obligatory friends-meet-other-friends thing, my best friend starts asking him some bizarre questions…. that I later realize are angled at him being the guy Camille predicted..
The new guy is, in fact, a libra. He is actually 6 foot 2, and is a computer wiz who loves to read and write and graduated from Berkely. He has sandy blond hair and blue eyes and was raised by his single mom and claims to be incredibly “old school.” He’s 29.
So naturally, I made out with him at the end of the night. And naturally, I’m totally creeped out and totally curious to see what, if anything happens here. I think we’ll call him the Libra.
And should any of you want to freak yourself out like this, just let me know and I’ll hook you up with Camille’s number.