How I Came To Own A Book Called: Nourish Your Inner Martyr

Tuesdays are always a problem.  I have an hour of free time every Tuesday between work and hanging out with my favorite eleven month old rockstar kid.  This particular Tuesday however, I seriously wish I had just gone shoe shopping instead. 

“I’ll only go over there for a second,” I resolutely whispered to myself.  “Just to see.  I’m strong, I learned my lesson.  I know better…”

And then I took a few fateful steps and entered the “self-help” aisle in Barnes and Noble (where pride goes to die).  And after picking up 5 or 6 books thinking I should limit myself to only buying two (!) a new thought came into my head: “Fuck.  Why do I always end up in self-help?!” 

For starters, because I hate books written by Jodi Picoult/Nicholas Sparks that tell girls they can cry their pitiful ways into love- and those books are being peddled like crack-cocaine in Compton (or so I’ve heard).  And because I don’t really get biographies (there are movies for this shit), and because I don’t care what highly-effective people’s habits are, or how to get the most likes on my facebook posts (most recently about how awful healthy oatmeal is.  Seriously).

I’ve always thought the most fascinating things about book stores was how much pure information was stored there.  There’s also a lot of bullshit, since Democrats won’t stop publishing books.  But God knows I always think- I could totally be a better/more impressive/funnier/wittier/more knowledgable person.  I just need the book to tell me how.

Or a blog to remind me I’m an idiot.

But seriously, the book you choose to spend money on, take home and maybe read says a lot about who you are who you think you are.  Throughout the store, there are pages that can teach me how to write (pssshhht), how to give the best blow jobs (psshhht… ??), what happened to Rome or why I have daddy issues. 

And then I found myself eating not one but two cookies staring at books called Skinny Bitch and decided to give Amazon a shot in the future.

*Sorry, typos abound in this post.  My sugar intake knocked a few points off the IQ apparently*

I’d Like to Thank the Academy… of Bloggers. Well, only the good ones. Not the weird ones who write about porn and/or the environment.

 

I got an award.  For blogging (from THIS girl).  Which means a number of things— primarily though that people actually READ my blog which is sa-weeeet!  Also it means that I am not crazy, which is always a little bit of a fear of mine, and it means that I have to do some stuff and keep on sending this bad boy around to keep the good joo-joo going.

 

As a receiver of the Stylish Blogger Award, I have to do the following:

• Present seven facts about myself.
• Name half dozen bloggers I think deserve the award. Contact those people.
• Create a link back to the person who gave you the honor.

Now for the facts about me…. I bet you’re ready to pass out from anticipation.

1. I wanted to be a gynocologist growing up.  Then I realized I wasn’t very good at science, and the reason my grades were so good was because I was a superb bull-shitter (still am)… but nobody wants someone who is just pretending to be good at their job when their job is telling you you might, just maybe, it sort of looks like, herpes.
2. I’m adopting.  I’m having my own little ones as well.  Non-negotiable.
3. I work in politics, as a legislative staffer…. and it’s a weird job.  I make sure my boss (elected official) doesn’t get himself in trouble, I make him sound smart, look good and seem like the second-coming.  And sometimes that’s cool… sometimes it’s exhausting… like today.
4. Biggest fear: being left behind.  Being abandoned.  Winding up alone…. also, winding up fat.
5. I don’t re-wear socks.  I throw them away.  I don’t know why.
6. I live out of my car, and this seems to work fine for me.  Not for people who try to ride in my passenger seat and get a spiked stiletto up the ass.
7. Funny trumps all.  A funny guy trumps a hot guy.  A funny conversation trumps a tough one.  A funny day trumps a shitty week.  Funny will always win… the way to my heart is definitely through my… hm… this was a poorly thought out phrase.  Shit.  Anyway, make me laugh and I’ll love you forever.

And now I get to pass the lovely award on!  This was hard because I follow some pretty impressive bloggers, who undoubtedly have received many an honor from many a junior blogger.  But I’m gonna go ahead and throw em another kudos, because I’m generous like that.  Also, because I’m very tired and don’t want to peruse the internet in search of some up and coming bloggers when I already know a bunch of super-studly ones.  Like the following:

Jaclyn Rae’s Blog

Alone… with cats

Youkitschme (D’s blog!)

20somethinglifecrisis

 

**I’ve been completely neglecting my blog lately.  Which makes me sad.  And because now we know people other than my mom are reading this, I assume those people are sad, too.  (key word: assuming).  I have plenty to write.  PLENTY.  Like hickeys.***